Hey YOU! Um... You're Doing it Wrong!
If you haven't figured it out by now, I like to gripe! Namely, I like to gripe about all the shit guys gripe about. Griping is the bees knees, if you didn't know. Given that I'm so passive aggressive freakin' AWESOME, I get to vent about all the things here in my blog that I
won't don't vent about in real life. Like dating. Dating sucks for both parties, but most of the suckage that men experience in dating are temporary things that can be fixed.
*in my mocking voice*
"Waaaaahn!!! I hate dating because I have to be a man and pay for stuuuuuff". Why can't women take the lead and pay for the date. That's a great way to start off our relationship. Then later in our coupledom, I'll get mad and feel inferior because she wears the pants in the family because that's what I allowed her to do in the beginning. Waaaaaahn!!!!!! "Boo hoooooo! I don't like dating because it takes up so much of my time. Sigh! It's not MY fault that I'm dating a million chicks at once and now I have to actually spend time with them. Let's see,There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia --About three Kim's... "Woe is me! I'm not spending another dollar on another woman and another date. So what that **I** asked out a woman on a date and **I** chose to spend x-amount of dollars, because **I** told myself that's what I needed to do to impress her. Yes. This is DEFINITELY the next woman's fault! I'll just invite her to my house to watch movies. No effort, just the bare minimum. Yes! That's it! Being cheap and bitter towards the new woman will DEFINITELY teach the last bitch who took advantage! And if the next chick gives me lip about how I'm short-changing her, I'll just kick her to the curb. After all, it's everybody's fault but mine! "
Ho Hum. I dwell in a dimly lit club every weekend and all I find are scantily clad women who look like Schmiegel when I wake up next to them in the morning. Why can't I find a nice wholesome hoe, who puts up with my crap, does as I say, goes to church, doesn't have any children, only been with 1 guy in her entire life, looks like Megan Good, makes her own money, and fucks me on the first date? I mean after all, I'm trying to find love in the club! This should be so much easier! Waaaaaahn! Life sucks being a great big man-whore.
Get over it! I'm sick of hearing dudes complain about dating when ultimately, the problems they are having are ones they create themselves. I can understand the ones who are having problems find quality women, but the rest of you turds are full of shit! (See what I did there?) Now, since I'm so FANTASTICAL I'm going to help you out just a little bit. I'm about to solve all of your dating woes by letting you in on this secret. Shhhhhh.... don't tell nobody...but um err..... when it comes to going on actual dates, *whispers* YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! I'm going to give you the one key that will change your dating life FOREVER... FOR-EV-ERRRRR... FORRRR- EV- ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Want to cure all your date related man-problems? *drum roll please*
Sure, no one wants to get up at the crack of ass to chill with someone you barely know, but it will kill all those whiny gripes you had about dates. Here's why:
1. Morning dates are cheap without looking like you're being cheap: While Rico Suave is over at the
Cheesecake Bistro at 9:00 P.M.-- trying to impress his date, spending money he doesn't have, Smarty McSmarterton is winning at 9:00 A.M. with money to spare! Looky Here: You're about to spend at LEAST $15 per entree. If you're both drinking, go ahead and add about $9 each for a watered down attempt at a cocktail. Tack on another $10 if you're trying to split a desert. I'm guessing you don't want to look cheap in front of you date, so you throw out a whopping $6 on a tip. Once you include tax you're looking at a bare MINIMUM for about $60 for your entire meal.. YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH 60 SMACKAROOS??? Well, good. I'm glad you do, cause I haven't thought that far ahead. But you get what I'm saying. Let's see... so what if you're the type that likes to do the "Dinner and a Movie" thing? Depending on where you live 2 tickets will run you about $19. If she even GLANCES at the
concession stand, you grab her hand and runnnnnnnnnnnnn towards your theatre-- "ain't nobody got time for that!" Did you not just eat?? Bish you didn't bring your big purse with the Dollar Store JujyFruit?? Oh. Well you gets nada! Sounds good in theory, but you ain't Cheif Biggum Balls and you're not going to say that to the cutie you're trying to impress. If the little lady wants an $8 pack of M&M's... babygirl gets an $8 pack of M&M's,
begrudgingly. So far you've spent approximately $90, and you're STILL not even sure you're getting any booty.... Meanwhile, Mr. McSmarterton was able to take his date to
J.Christopher's for brunch. They ate grits, and omelets, and fresh fruit and all that shit. They ate to their little heart's content and was able leave out of there paying no more that about $25. Oh but there's more. Mr.Smarterton ALSO likes a little cinematic adventure after he eats. Since it's only 10:30 A.M. he can take his sweetypie to a matinee! Who doesn't like paying $5.50 for a movie ticket?? Like I said, it won't look like you're being cheap because you aren't controlling the prices. It's not like you're whipping out coupons or asking for the hook up on the low. These are the set prices at this time of day, you just happened to be there at the appropriate times! All in all, Mr. Smarty spent about $36 dollars on his date and there's an added bonus. Check this out! Not only did he get his belly full while conversing on a nice little patio, caught a blockbuster flick, and saved a little moolah, but he also scored points because now he's done something unique that most guys haven't done with her-- a morning date. Nothing makes you stand out more than doing something the other losers aren't. More than that, because it's still daylight hours you aren't really that horny (well, not as horny as you'd be if you're ending your date at 12:00 A.M.), so she doesn't end the date feeling like she was pressured to do a little something to show her appreciation. All in all, everybody wins. Well-- except Rico. He didn't win. So you part ways feeling really good.....
2. Morning dates free up the rest of your day: How many times have you been faced with the good dilemmas of having TOO much awesome stuff to do?? Yeah, me neither. But suppose you did. Let's say your homebody from college is in town and he wants to hang, but you promised your lady friend that you were going to take her out this weekend. Well with morning dates, you don't have that problem. Mr. McSmarterton started his date at 9:00 A.M. After breakfast and the movie was accounted for, his date is over at roughly 1:00 P.M. This gives him a chance to run some errands, catch a nap, do whatever other man stuff y'all do and then get ready for a night of debauchery with his homey. Or if you're like the rest of the man-whores who double booked his day, you can see one of your girlies that morning and the other that night. If I were a guy I'd say you're double winning, but I'm not. So I'll just proceed to hate.
3. Morning dates give you a chance to see what skeletor this woman looks like in natural lighting: I was talking to this guy and he was telling me about this fine chick he bedded one night. He said he woke up and there was a totally different life-form in his bed. His biggest shock was that this being no longer had hair in a specific place. His exact words were, "Maybe in the heat of the moment things got sweaty, and maybe she's the type to put on a lot of make up, I don't know. I was drunk, kinda. But I'll bet money she had eyebrows the night before. No, I'm certain. The Bitch HAD EYEBROWS when I met her. I know she did, I saw them! The next morning, NO EYEBROWS! What the fuck?? I was officially afraid for my life". Yeah, see-- had you met her in daylight hours you wouldn't have gotten that surprise. You would know exactly what you were getting into. I know how much you guys hate the lacefronts, pounds of make-up, jacked up teeth that you didn't notice before etc. etc. So atleast if you take her out in the morning you avoid the embarassment of running into folks you know. Your folks ain't up before 12. After breakfast you can ditch her, and have a chance to connect with someone else of your choosing. Let's just say club lighting is a bitch, so morning dates are the best. For instance, I met this stocky dude back in my Velvet Room days and he seemed pretty cool. It was one of those weekends where the club was shoulder to shoulder packed, like Memorial Day weekend or something. Anyway, it wasn't like I spotted him from across the room or anything. He was next to me and started up a convo. After screaming over the music for about 15 minutes, I figured he wasn't super lame or anything and gave him my number. We talked throughout the week and decided to go out on a date the following Friday. From what I remembered he was actually very handsome. I didn't remember many details outside of that. When he came to pick me up for our date, he was still handsome but I noticed that his shirt was a little snug. TOO snug, in fact. So snug that he probably would have won a Wet T-shirt contest at Club LaVela during spring break, because this nigga had some MASSIVE mammory-moobs :o( His body was kinda thick but, up top he was a solid 42DD. Like it was bad y'all. I like my men with a little meat but he was almost in
competition with ME! (And for those who don't know me, I'm shaped like the letter "P" -- my fun bags are the ones to beat!) How did I miss all this masculine sweater meat?? Long story short-- get to know who you're dealing with during daylight hours!
Those are the 3 major points. But aside from that, morning dates are grand because: a. restaurants are less crowded, so if you're the type that hates waiting around for a table this works in your favor-- or if you're a low-life who has a side chick, you're less likely to be caught up early in the morning, because nobody's awake to catch you. b. Everything is open. You have the world at your hands at 9:00 a.m. You just might find something new and interesting going on in your city, that you may not find around closing time. Also, it gives your greater options besides the "dinner and a movie". You can go to the zoo, do a picnic, explore Stone Mountain etc. You can't (successfully) do all of that at night. c. If you actually like the person you're with, daytime scenery is great for taking memorable photos and d. Daytime dates seem more casual. This is good because it takes some of the pressure off of feeling like "I'm on a date" so I have to act this way or that way. She can wear a nice little sun dress you can wear a polo and khakis and you can frolic the day away. For some reason, after 8:00 p.m. things get serious! You feel like you have to get all snazzy and that in itself makes one uptight. To sum it all up, morning dates are actually butt loads of fun! Try one and tell me how it goes!
